Lately I've found myself fight time. I know ultimately it doesn't get anywhere, but I still catch myself doing it.
With Coco's recent cold founder issues, I feel very much like I'm fighting time.
The month of February hasn't ever been my favorite. It became my least favorite for a long time after we put Pink to sleep years ago. Though a story for another time, she was such a huge part of my heart and soul that saying goodbye to her felt very much like dying myself. I remember that Nina and I use to talk about Stormy (who she had lost on Valentine's day) and Pink when it grew close to their anniversary dates. We would remember the loss we both had felt and remember the love as well. I didn't realize how much I relied on that joint grief until this year when I don't have Nina to talk to. I hadn't expected to feel so terribly lonely.
I've found myself spending more and more time sitting with Coco. In addition to tending to her extra needs, I've just found myself sitting with her. Sometimes, we're just existing next to each other in shared silence. Sometimes she's giving me gentle kisses and touches across my face. Either way, I value these moments with her. I can see she's not fully comfortable to move as much as she wants to, but I can also see the quiet determination in her eyes. I suppose if you ask her, she would say she's just fine, thanks.
I feel like I'm fighting to spend time with her, even if it's just silence. In the silence I find a peace where I'm not fighting against the fact that it's becoming longer since I spoke to Nina last and closer to when I speak to Coco last. I don't know when Coco's time will come, it may still be years away, but I feel the weight of it none the less. But in my sitting moments with her, she shares a moment of peace with me where I can silence the fight for just a few minutes.