Some days are hard, just so incredibly hard. Some days I find myself fighting so hard not to sit down and crumble under the weight of it all. Some days it feels like bombshells are being tossed at me and it's feels impossible to catch them without dropping the incredible weight I'm already holding.
Some days I find myself so overwhelmed with everything that I feel I might break under it and that I cannot possibly be good enough to hold it all together. I'm not sure when, but recently I've found that when I'm feeling so overwhelmed, my heart deepens, not hardens. I find myself searching for the littlest joys around me and finding the sweet simplicity and love for the lives that surround me- including the little snake that chose to spend the day snuggled up on my hay bales. Sorry mom, the little noodle was just too cute keeping warm all tucked in the hay. The simple things all the animals do each day just seem to strengthen the love I have for them all.
Our lives are so short and so fragile. Forever simply isn't long enough. I see the wear and tear of age and the terrible knowledge of the end looming in the distance and find my heart heavy. There's one thing that none of us can stop and that is the progression of life. As hard as we try to slow it, it comes none the less.
Xena's old. Old and stuff and this weather leaves her achey. She still has many good days, but as she lets me in more, I find myself wonder when that will change. I value the quiet moments in which she lets me in, where we breathe deep together as I help release some of the tension in her tired body. I wonder when her good days will no longer outweigh the bad ones. I wonder when she won't let me in to her quiet peace because it's just not big enough anymore. Sometimes while I rub her aching muscles, I wonder when I will not be enough for her anymore.
I wonder when all of my love and all I hold will simply not be enough for them anymore. Some days it is so heavy, I wonder if why I am doing this if I don't always feel like I'm good enough. And then it happens. The universe puts something in my path that reminds me why I am doing this. Though it brought me to tears, I felt grounded. Though saddened, I remembered why I am doing this. Why I am fighting so hard to make our move work, why I fight so hard to get everything little thing done each day like a one woman power house (and I am beyond grateful for the volunteers that assist me in this, you truly make the burden just a bit lighter by caring for the ponies so I can tackle the other projects, I love you dearly for this), and fighting to keep my chin up no matter how watery my eyes. I felt it so deep in my, right there with my love for all the simple moments, and I was able to hold that weight once again.
Time will pass, I cannot stop that. But I will do my best to great each minute with love and remember the hours for the simple joys they held. I always try to make sure I share the sunshine and rainbows with you all. I guess some days I have to share the rain and storms with you so that you can understand where the rainbows come from.
Photo credit to our wonderful volunteer Nolan 🖤
